A confession

I hesitated about posting this because I'm afraid it will come out wrong or be taken the wrong way.  But I've decided that the people I think come and check in on us know me and my heart well enough.  So here it is.  I expected to get pregnant and instantly be head-over-heels-crazy-stupid connected and in love.  Knowing our baby is growing inside me I thought would certainly be enough to form an instant obvious connection.  But I didn't.  And still really don't feel that way.  It doesn't feel (most of the time) like there is anything going on in there.  Sure I think about it a lot, especially because I make hundreds of choices a day that are affected by the fact that I'm not just making them for me.  I feel like this could be the result of either A) I had it all wrong and it doesn't work that way or B) dealing with 2 years of waiting has made it much harder to accept that we finally have what we want.

If it's A I'd be fine with that.  But I'd be interested to know how other people feel when they get pregnant.  Will this feeling change when I find out if we're having a boy or a girl?  When we pick a name?  When I feel the first undeniable movement?  When we have a nursery set up?  Not until we are holding him/her?  I have no doubt that I was born to be a mom and I have so much love to give.  I have no doubt that I'll love this baby to the end of the earth and back, but I just expected to feel that way sooner rather than later.

If it's B I'd very much understand that too.  24 months of trying meant 24 times NOT getting what we wanted.  When we found out we were pregnant we were super skeptical.  Neither of us wanted to get too excited.  It didn't feel real because it hadn't been real for so long and because I think we both thought staying distant would lessen the pain if anything bad happened.  Am I still holding back because of our past?  I genuinely don't know the answer to that question.

I can't wait to hold and snuggle our baby.  I can't wait to see James with a tiny baby sprawled out on his chest.  But those images don't come easily to me.  To be completely honest most images like that don't come easily.  I think I've shared before that when I daydream it is VERY SPECIFIC.  I guess because a lot of the blanks aren't filled in yet it's hard for my daydreams to have any shape.  I have an appointment on Monday and will hear the heartbeat again.  I feel like I'm holding my breath until that moment just in case it's bad news and they can't find anything.  I sure hope that goes away.  Maybe the anatomy ultrasound will help - seeing the baby with defined arms and legs and tiny features.

So that is what I'm feeling - for better or for worse.  I'm trying not to let it get in the way of enjoying what we worked so long and hard for.  But it's hard to enjoy something that doesn't feel real.  Here's hoping it starts feeling real and I can start being in the moment ASAP.