Allow me to preface this with-

-I'm not complaining, just documenting :)  Today was the roughest physical day so far.  Today also happens to be the first day of week 8.  Madigan woke me up and 4:45ish (we are working feverishly to fix this nasty habit) and my tummy was hurting pretty badly.  Got up after 8 and it got progressively worse over the next several hours.  I had some nagging nausea that didn't quite make it to full blown nausea (thank GOODNESS) but I was pretty dizzy and light headed most of the day ERGO I spent most of the day curled up on the couch.  It kind of felt (still kind of does) like I have about 7 bricks piled in my stomach.  Unfortunate because I had big spring cleaning plans for today.  Good thing the dust and laundry and whatnot will still be here tomorrow!  It would be most favorable to me to not have many more days like today, but I am very thankful this happened to fall on a Saturday when laying on the couch and watching "Enchanted" (super cute) was an acceptable way to spend my day.  Little raspberry, I won't hold this against you in the years to come! :)

An ode to my family....

So I've been thinking a lot about me as a mom.  I have given this some thought from time to time in the past 2 years (let's be honest...the past 10 years) but it was too hard to think about for the most part.  I focused more on BECOMING a mom than actually being a mom.  But now, it's time to open up the brain-flood gates.  While I was driving today I started thinking about something I saw on the show "Secret Millionaire" (if you've never seen it I highly recommend it, but watch it with a full box of tissues).  This lady visited a shelter for homeless pregnant women and heard stories (so did I, the viewer) of families that abandoned their teens when they got pregnant or just didn't have room for them.  Then she went to an outreach center for homeless teens.  These kids have no family.  No one to turn to.  I don't doubt that some of these teens made horrible choices and continue to make horrible choices.  But now, they've been completely abandoned and what chance to do they have??  When times got hard their parents said, "Good luck with that".  That, coupled with things that I see and hear every day - people having kids they can't afford and can't take care of, people being too wrapped up in their own bad habits to pour out the love and devotion their kids need to be successful.
I say all that to say this: my family is 1 in a billion...at least.  I would need to borrow several hands to have enough fingers to count the number of people in my family I could turn to if I needed ANYTHING.  There isn't a mistake any of us can make that is big enough for my family to say, "Good luck with that".  I include my gigantic extended family in this too.  Cousins, second cousins, cousins removed, great aunts and uncles...I not only know ALL their names (and kids names!) but I'm connected to them.  I know them.  They are amazing people who have amazing parents and have turned into amazing parents.  And then there are my parents.  I can call them in the middle of the morning sobbing because I saw a dog get hit by a car and I need to be talked down from my hysteria.  I can call them for ANYTHING.  They may not always agree with me and my sisters, but they will ALWAYS be there for us.  I don't doubt that for a second.  For that I am eternally grateful.  It's for that reason that I know I'll be able to handle any challenge being a mom throws at me.  I've had an example that is extraordinarily rare and wonderful.  And I have an amazing husband who will be by my side through it all.  True unconditional love is unfortunately uncommon.  But I'm lucky enough to have seen it in action, and have a family who taught me about the One who loves us PERFECTLY and unconditionally.  And I thank God for that...and for them.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! ...

...or I guess I'm here for the first time since no one actually has a link to this blog yet.  Obviously based on the first 2 posts James and I had an unsuccessful IVF attempt back in Oct/Nov 2010.  Unless you've experienced infertility, it's hard to put into words the absolute heartbreak that comes with MONTHS of preparation and 3-4 daily injections (baby ones and intramuscular ones..OUCH!), being filled with 16 eggs at once (TMI?) seeing 3 beautiful embryos (who else SEES their babies before they are even implanted??) through a microscope (twice, 1st attempt and 2nd attempt).  Lying in bed for 3 days and then waiting out the rest of the two weeks on pins and needles...was that a symptom?  Surely I'm pregnant!  Just to go in for blood work (for probably the 200th time) and get the phone call several hours later..."I'm sorry, but it was negative".  I know there are worse things, more traumatic things, more devastating things.  But in our world at that moment it was the world's worst blow.  YOU FAILED.  I'm sorry, but no baby for you.  That room that should be a nursery?  No need, just keep it an office.  Those big plans you had to celebrate the next holiday with the joy of knowing a baby (or 2 or 3) would soon be here?  Yeah, go ahead and forget those.  That piece of your heart you know belongs to your future children?  Empty.  And I can't tell you how long it will be empty and unfulfilled...for now, just keep watching other people experience the joy of pregnancy and children and be happy for them.  But know that when you're alone you'll cry...sometimes for 2 minutes, sometimes for 20.  WHY can't we have that?
WELL GUESS WHAT?!?  IT'S FINALLY OUT TURN TO HAVE THAT!!!  Prayers have been answered, blessings have been showered upon us and the planning and dreaming have already begun.  I am 7 weeks pregnant!  7 weeks is still in the "danger zone" but I have to allow myself to be positive and hopeful and to be sure this is it.  I can't wait to see the heartbeat on May 5th.  I can't wait to report back all of the exciting information we get that day.  Until May 5th we are going to bask in the wonderfulness and believe whole-heartedly that it is finally our time.  Little blueberry, we worked HARD for you and I promise this is just the beginning.  You weren't just wanted, you were FOUGHT for.  You weren't just planned, you were designed.  You aren't just a blessing, you are a miracle.  We love you already.