James and I have to wait another week and 3 days before we find out if I'm actually pregnant. We decided to keep everything going on a secret because we've had so much heartbreak in the conception world. Hopefully, the test will be positive and will continue to be positive until we feel "safe" to tell the world that we're having a baby. My heart ACHES to make that announcement. If I come back to tell you I'm pregnant it will truly be a miracle. Angels in heaven and on earth will have come together to make our dream come true.
Tonight my anxiety is high. I want to know the results NOW. My brain keeps madly whizzing back and forth between what I'll do if it's positive and what I'll do if it's negative. Sometimes it's enough to drive me to the brink of crazy town.
I've made a promise to myself many times - if I do get pregnant I PROMISE I won't complain. I won't complain about morning sickness or swollen feet or having to pee every 5 minutes (which, let's be honest, I do now). I give you, the reader, permission to hold me to that promise if we make it to that point.
Perhaps this blog post is pointless and no one will ever read it. Perhaps it's doing nothing but fueling my anxiety fire by typing this out. Or maybe it's therapeutic. I can't tell yet. I do know that keeping a personal journal has proven pretty therapeutic. It's also entertaining to go back and read the crazy things I wrote. I might need to go back to the 3rd grade days of journaling; slap a lock on that puppy and tape the key behind our headboard. But, what fun would that be? :)
I think I'm all over the map and I'm not going to re-read this before I post it because that also would be no fun. Hopefully I'll be back next Tuesday to post very exciting news that we'll still keep secret for 3 months. Oh the lengths we go to to protect ourselves from heartache.
